Download E-books The 50 Funniest American Writers*: An Anthology of Humor from Mark Twain to The Onion PDF

My father has lots of cash. Are the celebrities sizzling? I whipped Ed Walker two times, Saturday. I don’t like ladies. You dassent capture toads except with a string. Do oxen make any noise? Why are oranges around? have you ever acquired beds to sleep on during this cave? Amos Murray has bought six feet. A parrot can speak, yet a monkey or a fish can’t. what percentage does it take to make twelve? ” each jiffy he may keep in mind that he used to be a pesky redskin, and decide up his stick rifle and tiptoe to the mouth of the cave to rubber for the scouts of the hated paleface. from time to time he may set free a war-whoop that made outdated Hank the Trapper, shiver. That boy had invoice terrorized from the beginning. “Red Chief,” says I to the child, “would you love to move domestic? ” “Aw, what for? ” says he. “I don’t have any enjoyable at domestic. I hate to visit tuition. i admire to camp out. You won’t take me again domestic back, Snake-eye, will you? ” “Not correct away,” says I. “We’ll remain right here within the cave your time. ” “All correct! ” says he. “That’ll be superb. I by no means had such enjoyable in all my lifestyles. ” We went to mattress approximately 11 o’clock. We unfold down a few large blankets and quilts and placed purple leader among us. We weren’t afraid he’d run away. He saved us unsleeping for 3 hours, leaping up and attaining for his rifle and screeching: “Hist! pard,” in mine and Bill’s ears, because the fancied crackle of a spray or the rustle of a leaf published to his younger mind's eye the stealthy procedure of the outlaw band. eventually, I fell right into a sleep, and dreamed that I have been abducted and chained to a tree by means of a ferocious pirate with pink hair. simply at first light, i used to be woke up through a sequence of lousy screams from invoice. They weren’t yells, or howls, or shouts, or whoops, or yawps, equivalent to you’d anticipate from a manly set of vocal organs—they have been easily indecent, terrifying, humiliating screams, resembling girls emit after they see ghosts or caterpillars. It’s an lousy factor to listen to a powerful, determined, fats guy scream incontinently in a cave at sunrise. I jumped as much as see what the problem was once. crimson leader used to be sitting on Bill’s chest, with one hand twined in Bill’s hair. within the different he had the pointy case-knife we used for cutting bacon; and he was once industriously and realistically attempting to take Bill’s scalp, in response to the sentence that were said upon him the night prior to. I obtained the knife clear of the child and made him lie down back. yet, from that second, Bill’s spirit used to be damaged. He laid down on his aspect of the mattress, yet he by no means closed an eye fixed back in sleep so long as that boy used to be with us. I dozed off for your time, yet alongside towards sun-up I remembered that crimson leader had acknowledged i used to be to be burned on the stake on the emerging of the solar. I wasn’t anxious or afraid; yet I sat up and lit my pipe and leaned opposed to a rock. “What you getting up so quickly for, Sam? ” requested invoice. “Me? ” says I. “Oh, I obtained one of those a ache in my shoulder. i assumed sitting up might leisure it. ” “You’re a liar! ” says invoice. “You’re afraid. You used to be to be burned at dawn, and also you used to be afraid he’d do it. And he might, too, if he might discover a fit.